Beware the Ex!
by Romula1
Summary: Really silly, and a totally lazy ending, Remus and Sirius ficlet involving vampires. Slash only implied, but not a main feature of the fic. R+R if you dare...


Plot line.. Supposedly, anyway - Dumbledore suspects that Voldemort's Death Eaters will be at the annual dangerous beasts convention, and he sends Remus and Sirius to keep an eye or two or three or four out for Death Eaters preaching to the masses. Of course, you just know it's not gonna end up like that when Sirius Black is sporting a lovely pair of vampire teeth.  
  
I think the idea came from what Sarah told me about Cassandra Claire's iDraco Sinister/i but if this is in any way a complete rip-off of that I'm really sorry - I haven't actually finished reading DD yet, so I wouldn't know.  
  
BEWARE: NORTY WORDS!! My Remy-Pie is a very dirty (-mouthed) little boy today! ;) Plus it's slightly based on 'Erotica' by Madonna. But not really that much, so it's not too bad. Written under the influence of iInterview with a Vampire/i. Oh yeah. That ending totally ROX my SOX!  
  
Remus once again marvelled at Sirius' disguise. He did normally look just as wan and tired as all the other people crowding outside the Knockturn Alley building, and his hair was naturally as black as many of those gathered. But his teeth weren't normally so similar to those sported by the vampires at the dangerous beasts convention.  
  
Remus hadn't been for a couple of years despite numerous invitations. It just wasn't his thing. Some people were proud of their curse and revelled in the destruction they could cause, but others saw the downsides and shied away from the horrors of their powers. Most of those here fell into the former category, but Remus saw a few people he recognised as feeling more like him about the various curses upon them.  
  
Sirius nudged him in the arm. "He-loo! Who is that, Remus?"  
  
He followed his friend's gaze to a tall, curvy woman with raven black hair. She was grinning proudly and displaying gloriously pointed teeth. "She's a vampire."  
  
Sirius arched an eyebrow and looked down at Remus, eyeballing his evasive behaviour suspiciously. "No kidding?"  
  
"She's one of the 'I'm cursed and proud of it types', so I wouldn't bother if I were you." Remus grunted, glaring at the woman.  
  
Sirius grinned. "Know this from experience Rem'?"  
  
Remus just turned his glare on Sirius. "She's called 'Loretta' if you're that desperate." Then he folded his arms and turned away to hide the red flushes on his cheeks.  
  
Sirius laughed heartily and clapped Remus' shoulder. "Hey look, I think she's recognised you!"  
  
Loretta the vampire was moving purposely through the crowd, fluttering her eyelashes at people she passed and smiling cheekily at Sirius any time he caught her eye. Remus' shoulder tensed under Sirius' hand and he heard his friend mutter something that sounded oddly like 'fucking vampire sight'.  
  
Before he had the chance to enjoy that comment Loretta was in front of them. "Remus, dear!" she said silkily. "Why don't you tell me where you've been and who your . gorgeous new friend is?"  
  
Remus turned to face her and mumbled out. "This is uh . Baron Schneider. He's only been bitten a few months ago. Still getting used to it."  
  
Sirius stopped wishing his friend would quit acting like a two-year- old that hadn't got its way, and turned on the good old Black charm. "Hello there Miss . I'm afraid Remus has neglected to introduce you?"  
  
"My name is Loretta Saul." She smiled at his extended hand. "You would trust me to kiss your hand, Baron?"  
  
"Well I am already cursed, my dear."  
  
"Ah a man after myself who does not mind the pain." Loretta grinned toothily again and bent to kiss the back of his hand. Sirius winced a little as her fangs nipped his skin, and he saw Remus' 'I told you so' look, but when she straightened and offered her hand in return his cheeky smile was back.  
  
"And you trust me? When I have had so little practice?"  
  
"As I said Baron, I am not concerned by pain. And scars can be removed by simple curses." Sirius watched in fascination for a moment as his own blood trickled off her teeth and down her chin.  
  
Just as he brought her hand to his lips, though, a great surge through crowd told him that the doors were open. He looked up again with his crooked grin. "Perhaps later I will get the chance?"  
  
"Of course, Baron. And Remus, you know you'll always be my favourite." Loretta grinned and slithered away through the group of people.  
  
Sirius stared in astonishment after her for a moment, then gave a whoop of mirth. "You! You - You and, and her?" Remus wasn't meeting his eyes as he shouldered his way past him and through the crowd. Sirius followed. "What on earth? Holy hell, what have I discovered here? Remus, tell me! Tell me, tell me!" He whined, hopping after his friend.  
  
Remus stopped abruptly, turning to face Sirius so quickly he almost walked into him. "Baron, have you ever tried saying 'no' to a vampire?"  
  
Before the thought could register in Sirius' swirling thoughts, Remus had turned and was storming on again. Sirius skipped after him again, laughing. "Ooh, I gotta know MORE, Remus! Tell me more! This is priceless! Classic! Whilst I was locked away you were out charming the ladies! Ha!"  
  
Remus heaved a sigh and determined to ignore Sirius from now on.  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
"So what do we actually do here?" Sirius had given up on extracting information for the moment and was lounging in an armchair opposite Remus.  
  
Remus shrugged. "It varies," he said cautiously, nervous that any minute Sirius would start on him again. "Sometimes it's pretty serious, we discuss the social aspects of being cursed, and possible cures and whether or not they should be compulsory or not. Y'know?" Sirius nodded. "Well sometimes it's more like a talent show. And sometimes it gets a bit wild when they're like that. I reckon Loretta and a few of the other vampires were Veela a long time ago, and they're big fans of that Muggle singer, Madonna. It can get a bit . ah . raunchy." Remus blushed again and looked down into his glass of Ogden's.  
  
Sirius grinned. "Oh man, I hope it's one of those. Oh please, God!" He didn't say anything else, but Remus caught the sly glance and wished he hadn't mentioned Loretta in that statement.  
  
After a pause, unable to keep quiet and sit still, Sirius began to fidget violently in his seat whilst taking huge gulps of whiskey every so often. Remus, unable to stand his friend's jitters, finally said, "I think that - judging by the layout - it's going to be one of the talent show years."  
  
"Oh. Yes!" Sirius leapt out of his chair, glass held high. "Now, my fiend - hic - friend! I! Am going to get a refill!" And he tottered across the hall to the bar. Remus watched him uncertainly. He still had a really bad feeling about bringing Sirius to something like this. No person free of a curse of some sort had ever been present at one of these, and the anti-dote Sirius had in him would only keep him from infection if he were bitten again within the next three hours.  
  
Remus couldn't control a jump of shock when a long-nailed hand wrapped itself over his hand and lifted the glass to a fanged mouth. Loretta grinned around the glass, her teeth clinking on the side as she held it between them.  
  
"What do you want?" Remus asked, leaning back a little so as to see her better.  
  
She leaned forwards in turn, draping herself around him from behind like a living shawl and releasing the glass from her enamel grip. "I think you can guess. You've been ignoring me for a couple of years, and I need to find out everything I've missed."  
  
Remus curled his lip. "What makes you think I haven't been coming because of you? Still flattering yourself, Loretta?"  
  
Her smile broadened "I know you much better than you think, Lupin, and I am simply dying to know you better."  
  
"Oh? I thought you might give me some peace this year, go annoy my 'gorgeous friend' or something?"  
  
"You wish." Her other hand inched over his other shoulder. "My friends are going to sing a little song tonight, Remy-Pie. Won't you dance with me? Just once, for old times' sake?" She stuck her bottom lip out and fluttered her lashes, her nose near enough to tickle his cheek.  
  
"Oh fuck off, Loretta." He leaned his head away from her.  
  
She grinned at the sight of his neck so exposed to her and raked her teeth gently along the flesh. "Please, Remus?"  
  
He grimaced and glared at a point in space above her head, desperate to wrench himself away from her cold teeth. "One dance. No more."  
  
"I knew you could be reasonable," she said before releasing him and moving away once more.  
  
Remus caught sight of Sirius approaching now; apparently unaware of what had just happened. He collapsed back into the chair opposite him and threw him a bottle of butterbeer.  
  
"Seen Loretta yet?"  
  
Relieved as he was that Sirius hadn't seen him, Remus was still irritated by the question. "No. Should I have?"  
  
Sirius sniggered into his butterbeer, nearly making a rather large mess of his frilled collar.  
  
It wasn't long before Remus' sullen silence was disturbed again, though. "Remus," a voice whined. "My little friends are about to start playing . come and dance with me."  
  
Judging from the way Sirius was gawking over his third firewhiskey, Remus wouldn't have needed to hear the voice to have known who was there. "Hey y'know, honey, Remus ain't all too keen . perhaps I could be of assistance?"  
  
She looked him up and down then grinned. "Maybe later, Baron."  
  
Loretta took Remus' hand and pulled him to his feet, showing surprising strength. Sirius noticed that his friend didn't exactly struggle.  
  
The Weird Sisters began to sing and Remus grimaced, recognising the song 'Beautiful Stranger'. Loretta however, was definitely enjoying herself.  
  
As soon as the song was over, Remus escaped her vice-like grip. "One dance!" He reminded her gleefully, backing away through the crowds of still dancing people.  
  
"Remus, you spoil sport! I iwill/i get another dance from you, you'll see!"  
  
He shook his head and laughed, finally finding somewhere to sit and let the others dance. He saw Sirius had already filled in for him, Loretta uncomplaining and flirtatious as ever.  
  
****************************************************  
  
The hall was emptying by two in the morning, separate rooms being found more cosy, or just nearby homes. Remus looked around the hall, expecting to find Sirius stumbling drunkenly over to him, complaining about Loretta buggering off with some other demon. Instead, he found that Sirius was no longer in the hall.  
  
With a curse, Remus leapt up and ran for the door to the more isolated rooms. Grimacing as he walked along the corridor, he wondered how he'd know which room Sirius was in. He poked an unconscious goblin with his toe, wondering if he could tell him anything. The goblin didn't stir, so Remus moved on deciding no information could be gained there.  
  
Luckily for him, a woman swathed in black came giggling out of a room on his left. Remus caught her wrist. "Do you know where Loretta Saul is?"  
  
She grinned mischievously. "Remus Lupin? Yes Lori said if you asked we should tell you where she is. Just in that room there as far as I know. Took a pretty young Baron with her, I heard."  
  
"Thanks." Remus said distractedly, jogging to the door she'd pointed to. It was unlocked so he opened it straight away. "Loretta? Baron?"  
  
Loretta wasn't there, but on the lavishly decorated bed was Sirius. He was blinking oddly and blood stained his shirt and sheets. He managed to raise his head a little. "Fuck! Look what she did, Remus!" He croaked.  
  
Remus shushed him, rushing forwards and examining his neck. "You idiot!" He cursed, scrabbling for his wand. iHealing the wound won't help!/i He told himself, ithe man needs blood!/i  
  
"Sirius, where did she go?" Sirius just smiled dreamily up at the ceiling. Remus took a deep breath and slapped his friend's cheek. "Sirius! Where is Loretta?"  
  
Sirius just grunted. "Fuck off, man, I'm tired."  
  
Remus swore back at him, then looked around the room again. There was a door on the wall to his right, the only way she could have gone. Sirius' blood on the sheets was still warm, and Remus would have seen Loretta if she'd left the front way.  
  
He burst through the door, wand held high in front of him.  
  
"Hello, Remus. I knew you'd come." Loretta smiled over his shoulder. Remus lowered his wand - she could move so fast it would be impossible to touch her with a curse. She rested her chin on his collarbone, snaking her arms around his waist.  
  
"Remus . what's wrong, dear?"  
  
"What the hell did you do to Sir . Schneider?" His voice cracked a little and he could have kicked himself for the slip-up.  
  
"He isn't a vampire, you know? He's a little liar is your Baron," she said, leaning her head on his.  
  
"Oh. Oh?" He hoped she hadn't felt his muscles coil then.  
  
"Mmm," she nodded, her chin painfully digging into his shoulder. "Now unless I turn him into a vampire, he dies of blood loss. Nice little decision there isn't it?"  
  
"You bitch ." Remus moaned, leaning his head back so it rested on her shoulder.  
  
Loretta laughed throatily and kissed his neck, which once again was so unprotected from her touch. "Well, dearest?"  
  
Remus felt tears welling behind his closed lids. Would he ever forgive him if he commanded her to make him a vampire? Just so that he wouldn't be alone again. His friend would rather die he felt, but if he died, Remus would be the last Marauder. And he didn't want to be left lonely again.  
  
"You won't be lonely, Remus. I promise," Loretta whispered.  
  
"Get out of my head, Loretta!" He bit out.  
  
"Well? Am I to save him?"  
  
"iSave/i him?"  
  
"Time is running out, my sweet." She tapped his cheek gently with one of those unnaturally long nails.  
  
"Okay. Just - do whatever. I don't know! Just . whatever," he sighed.  
  
"Okay." She smiled brightly and released him, twirling to face the door he had just entered through. Remus didn't follow for a moment. It was only when he heard Sirius' cry that he re-entered the room.  
  
"Sirius!"  
  
Loretta was bending over him, and his arms were stretched high around her, hands clawing for the ceiling.  
  
"What the hell are you doing now?" He screamed.  
  
She released Sirius and looked round at him, the blood around her mouth making her look like a child who had been playing with mother's lipstick. "Draining him, dear," she smiled.  
  
Sirius was perfectly still now, and deathly pale. Loretta sank her fangs into her own wrist and Remus gasped despite himself. "What the .?"  
  
She gave him a shaky grin and pressed her wrist to his friend's mouth. "Drink!" She hissed.  
  
Sirius gulped and Remus watched in horror as his hands leapt to her arm, holding it there. Loretta gasped and tried to pull back. "Enough! That's enough!" She shrieked.  
  
Remus leapt forwards, wrenching her arm out of Sirius' grip. He looked up at Remus with eyes too blue for a human and grinned, his pointed teeth coated in blood.  
  
Loretta felt too heavy in Remus' arms, he looked down and saw how weak she was. But even as he watched, the wound on her wrist was healing, and she gradually took some of her weight beck onto her own feet. "Holy shit!" She exclaimed, staring at Sirius, "you're Sirius Black! The murderer!"  
  
Remus swore, so did Sirius. They exchanged glances, then Sirius said, "Loretta, calm down! Let me explain!"  
  
But she had turned back to Remus, who was still holding on to her. "How could you let me do that? I've just given a murderer the ability to kill - no the need to kill - without any effort and with the perfect alibi! How could you Remus? And don't tell me you didn't know!"  
  
"Shit, Loretta, shut UP! I still have a headache, okay? And I'm not a goddamn murderer!" Sirius growled, sitting up on the bed.  
  
"But you will be," she whispered, her eyes willing up with tears for the first time in centuries.  
  
Surprised by her sudden change in priorities, Remus did a double take. "What?"  
  
"You know, I never wanted to be a vampire! I was a vegetarian!" She shrieked.  
  
Remus staggered back from her, holding his hands to his ears. That sound had just gone straight through him. He collapsed onto the bed. Dimly someone was calling him. "Remus! Remus are you okay? Wake up, Remus, wake up, quick!"  
  
Remus opened his eyes groggily. He wasn't lying on a comfortable bed anymore, he was lying on a slimy but gritty floor, and all around him were shouts and cries. A fire was reflected in the puddle in front of his eyes.  
  
"What the hell?" He asked, sitting up and seeing a perfectly normal 'Baron Schneider' in front of him.  
Sirius let out a sigh. "Jeez, I thought you'd been trampled for sure there. I can't believe how many 'dark creatures' panicked when they saw a couple of Death Eaters. Are you okay? You look a bit lost."  
  
"You're a vampire," Remus said, staring at his friend in confusion.  
  
"That's quite correct Remus, dear." Loretta peered at him over Sirius' shoulder. "See, Baron, I told you he'd be fine!"  
  
Remus stared at them. "No - no, Sirius is a vampire and Loretta is a vegetarian!"  
  
Loretta laughed. "Me? Vegetarian? You always were the joker, Remus! And who's Sirius?" She looked at Sirius.  
  
He shrugged. "Maybe some kid he knew at school. Remus I think you've had a bad dream. Why not get up and give us a hand with the mess those Death Eaters left?"  
  
Remus staggered to his feet, gradually realising what had happened. He rolled his sleeves up and pulled his wand out. "Okay. Let's start with putting the fires out?"  
  
Sirius grinned. "That's my Remus back!"  
  
Loretta gave him a sideways glance. "Oh? iYour/i Remus? I wondered what had been wrong with him this year," she shrugged and began to walk away. "Well, ah, enjoy yourselves together."  
  
Sirius burst into uncontrollable peals of laughter and Remus stared after Loretta in shock. 


End file.
